"I'm sorry," or "Excuse me," comes easily when we bump into someone in the supermarket or we accidentally say or do something that we wish we hadn't.  But we may find it difficult to express more serious apologies because we fear they are a sign of weakness, or worse, an admission of guilt which will leave us feeling one-down.  However, apologies are important because they are a significant factor in maintaining strong, meaningful and healthy relationships.

Jamison sat at his desk pondering how he could best let his family know how sorry he was because he had failed to keep a promise he had made to them. Realizing that his work kept him away from home a lot and prevented him from spending enough time with his family, he  made a date with them to take them to the circus. When the day arrived, he got caught up in his work and completely forgot about his family plans. He got home late to find his children crying with disappointment and his wife very upset and hurt. In fact, this was not the first time Jamison had been late or failed to keep a promise he had made to his family.

Because he realized that God wanted his family to be his first priority, he was feeling very sorry and repentant. All he could think to say was "I'm sorry," but he knew that wouldn't convey the depth of his feeling. He was wise enough to know that if he failed to apologize it would leave his family wondering if he was totally unaware of how deeply they were hurt—or if he just didn't care that he had offended them.

Effective Apologies
The following techniques would be helpful to Jamison or anyone else wishing to make an appropriate and sincere apology. Remember, apologies should only be offered when we truly desire to make amends.

Take care not to offer disclaimers and excuses for  your offensive behavior. If you do, your apology will be perceived as insincere, ineffective and just not fair. It may even serve to rekindle the argument and further damage the relationship.

An effective apology needs to state that we are aware  of what we have done and how it has affected the other person. We need to say that we are sorry and state our intention of not repeating the offense. Jamison might have said, "When I failed to keep our date I know it hurt each of  you deeply and for that I am very sorry.  Will you please forgive me for not paying closer attention to the time and for missing our date together?  I want you to know that I am going to try never to do this again because I do value our relationships and I don't ever want to repeat this hurtful behavior" (James 5:16).

Fruit of an Apology
When we sincerely apologize, we bring forth fruit in  keeping with our apology. This means that we demonstrate, by our actions, that we really are repentant (Matt. 3:8, Luke 3:8). For example, since Jamison had a history of persistently being late and not keeping dates with his family, and if his apology was sincere, he will strive never to let this behavior occur again. He will prove his sincerity to his family by making a  180- degree turn. If Jamison elects to send his family flowers, a card, or some other small token of goodwill after the apology is offered, this will serve to reinforce his verbal apology. Remember.  Actions speak louder than words.

When to Accept an Apology
Knowing when to accept an apology can be as difficult for us as offering one. Accepting an apology for a very serious offense does not mean we are saying that what has been done is okay or that it is all right for the offense to be repeated. Quite the opposite. It removes us from the position of victim and helps us regain our personal, emotional and spiritual equilibrium in the relationship. We need to understand and accept that the rebuilding of trust within the relationship will take         time . . . it is a process.

Apologies are a significant factor in maintaining strong, meaningful and healthy relationships. When sincere apologies are offered following these simple guidelines (Eph. 4:15 & 29), the outcome is physical, emotional and spiritual relief.  An apology lays the groundwork for restoration and reconciliation to occur in the relationship (Matt. 5:23-24, Matt. 18:15-17). This says, "I care for you as an individual, and I care about this relationship as well" (Eph. 4:32).

Copyright 1995, El Rophe Center  Inc.