James and Margaret have been married for years but they have never been able to agree on the division of duties around the house. Things have gotten so bad, James is ready to throw in the towel because he feels all Margaret does is nag at him. Margaret is also ready to call it quits because she perceives that the only contribution James makes to the marriage is bringing home a paycheck once a month. When he gets home from work he becomes a couch-potato. He does nothing to help and has little or no interaction with family members. If their marriage is to last they need to learn how to resolve this conflict.

Similar scenarios take place every day in relationships between husbands and wives, parents and children, siblings and colleagues. Many people avoid conflicts or allow them to escalate because they don't know how to deal with them. A conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two people who believe that they have incompatible goals, that rewards are scarce and that the other person is interfering with achievement of their goals.

Conflict is not necessarily harmful or wrong. The manner in which conflicts are handled determines whether they are damaging to the friendship or marriage. People who learn to value their conflicts can utilize them to improve their communication skills, openly face and resolve their differences, and thereby grow in the relationship.

Ground rules for successful conflict resolution:

Pray first: When you feel a need to bring up a conflict, whenever possible take it to the Lord first. Examine yourself and confess any fault of your own, even though you may only share a part of the blame. Beware of avoiding continuing issues by over-spiritualizing or by denying that your feelings are worthy of expression. See Colossians 3:13;

Keep to the here and now: Do not bring up yesterday's problems to use as today's ammunition. To do this is an indication that you have not forgiven your friend or partner of past wrongs. See Proverbs 17:9. Words like "you always . . ." and "you never . . ." usually compound an issue by implicitly bringing up past failures;

Keep to the issue: Identify and discuss only the issue which is the center of the conflict;

Use "I" messages-express your feelings using "I" messages rather than "you" messages. It is less threatening to say, "I feel angry when I work hard to prepare a meal and it doesn't get eaten while it is hot"; or, "I feel very angry when I work hard to keep the house clean and it doesn't stay clean very long"; than to say, "Why do you have to come home late without telling me?"; or "Why don't you clean up your own mess when you're through with it?" The first is a statement of feeling about an objective situation. The second is an attack on your friend or partner. Notice Paul's use of "I" messages in his conflict with the Corinthian believers in II Cor. 12:20-21 and elsewhere;

Avoid character analysis: Do not attack your friend or partner's character; talk about behavior rather than personalities;

Do not counterattack: If your friend or spouse initiates a legitimate complaint, do not respond with something like, "Well, you're just as bad, look what you did when . . . " Graciously receive reproof and make a sincere effort to accept and change your own behavior if indicated (Pro. 19:20, 15:31-32; Ecc. 7:5);

Avoid mind reading. Do not attempt to analyze your friends' or partner's attitudes or motives;

Deal quickly with conflicts. Do not put off confrontations if it means that you harbor resentment toward the other person. Such feelings may be buried alive! They will inevitably be expressed in some manner, if not honestly and directly, then dishonestly and indirectly;

Keep emotions appropriate: The expression of emotion during an attempt to resolve conflict is usually helpful if it is appropriate to the size of the conflict. See Prov. 29:11 and Prov. 15:18;

Don't try to win: When one person wins the other loses, and when one loses both lose. The goal should be to find a mutually satisfactory solution to the problem at hand, so that both people come out winners. This is especially true in Christian marriages or friendships which should be honoring to the Lord;

Establish belt lines: Each partner in a conflict should tell the other what kinds of remarks constitute hitting below the belt, i.e., comments which are too hurtful or damaging to be able to handle. Avoid hitting below the belt at all costs. If your friend or spouse hits below the belt during a conflict, immediately call them on it. Prov. 13:10 indicates that heedless and needless use of insolent language in strife is wrong; and

Call foul when a rule is broken: These rules, and others agreed upon, form the ground rules for handling conflict. When one partner breaks a rule, the other should call foul. This is a signal that the ground rules should be reestablished and followed.

The next time you find yourself in a conflict, keep these guidelines at hand and try to implement one or two of them with the goal of eventually learning them all. As you develop these skills, it will become easier to resolve conflicts, and your interpersonal relationships will improve.

©Copyright 2000, El Rophe Center, Inc.