For some years now the term, codependency, has been a buzzword in psychiatric settings. It was coined in the early 1970's in the context of treating alcoholism and has been defined in a variety of ways. But in my opinion, the clearest and most concise definition is stated by the Johnston Institute of Minnesota:
Codependency is a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members to survive in a family experiencing emotional pain and distress. Instead of developing according to their inborn personalities and potentials, these people grew up adapting as best they could to the traumatic situations with which they were faced. Since their development was shaped by a person with a dependency, they have come to be called codependents. The dangerous thing about codependency is that these individuals are not in control of their lives: their main motivation for action is reacting to circumstances beyond their control. They are generally considerate, helpful, caretakers. They appear to be wonderful, selfless people because of their apparent concern for others. Inside they may feel that they have no control over their lives, but are being controlled by other people’s needs, which they feel compelled to meet. They feel resentful that after all they do for others, no one "does" for them. Sadly, many codependents would not know how to receive help if someone did offer it to them.
Dysfunctional CodependencyPeople who suffer from codependency come not only from addictive families but also from dysfunctional families. In a dysfunctional family, communication lacks openness and honesty. This disruption in communication patterns may cause one or more members of the family to feel that something is wrong and that it is probably their fault. Lacking the freedom to openly express these feelings, they develop an attitude toward life that says: “It’s not okay to feel, it’s not okay to talk, it’s not okay to think, it’s not okay to trust.” In a dysfunctional family, the primary goal is survival and in an effort to survive, the codependent person assumes rigid roles and fails to develop a strong sense of self. Without intervention they are doomed to keep playing out these same roles in all of their relationships. Members of a dysfunctional family may become:- The enabler who tries to make everything okay;
- The hero who thinks he can make the problems go away by being perfect;
- The scapegoat who rebels against the family problems and ultimately believes that he is the problem;
- The lost child who pulls into a shell and isolates himself from social contact; or
- The mascot who tries desperately to make everyone laugh.
The following characteristics are also typical of codependents:- They want to be in absolute control of their own lives in order to avoid failure;
- They define themselves by how they look, what they do and how well they do it;
- They want all of life neatly ordered, including their families and their emotions;
- They are driven to succeed and they may be highly successful. Or they may be overwhelmed by the complexities of life and give up;
- They often feel responsible for everything and everyone; and
- They try to find security by pleasing people, always being right and always doing the right thing. Others can easily control them by guilt and by comparison to other people.
Paradoxically, codependents also want to control others. They manipulate others by using the same techniques of praise and condemnation that have been used on them. They may control others by constant involvement, praise and criticism or by being dictatorial and authoritative.
Steps To FreedomFollowing the steps below will help you to emerge from codependency and move into healthy relationships.- Admit that your life is out of control, that it is not manageable, and that you need help to overcome the situation.
- Make up your mind not to control others. Take your hands off the lives of others and let them make their own decisions and live with the consequences.
- Learn to set boundaries. A boundary is simply a limit between yourself and another person. It lets you both know where one ends and the other begins. Learn to identify and have respect for your own boundaries and the boundaries of others.
- Learn to detach. Detachment is not to be thought of in an isolating, harmful way. Rather, it is a stepping back to obtain objectivity about a person or situation. Its goal is for you to become objective, deal with reality, feel your emotions and make decisions. While detaching from an individual, attach to God. Look to Him as a source of acceptance, validation and love.
- Get professional help through one-on-one counseling when necessary.
- Become part of a twelve-step recovery program. Such a group can provide the emotional support you need to deal with difficult issues. It serves as a mirror to help you more clearly see yourself.
If codependency is a negative in your life, don’t be discouraged. It can be changed as you take steps on your personal journey to wholeness. References: Bradshaw, John. (1988). Bradshaw on: The family, Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc. Johnson Institute of Minneapolis. Springle, Pat. Rapha twelve step program for overcoming codependency. Houston and Dallas, TX: Rapha Publishing/Word Inc. Copyright 1992, El Rophe Center, Inc.
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