Mom comes home from work to find the dishwasher has not been emptied and the kitchen is strewn with the remains of after school snacks. She resignedly begins to clean up the mess. Enter Dad. “Why are you cleaning up this mess? Where is Sue?” He walks to the foot of the stairs: “SUE, GET DOWN HERE......NOW!!!”
As Sue appears, Dad gathers steam: “Why didn’t you clean up your mess and do your jobs? You left it all for your mother. Your problem is that you’re lazy. You don’t care that your mother has been working all day.” The harangue goes on for ten minutes and includes her messy room, homework and last quarter’s report card. “Why don’t you ever pay attention to what we tell you?” he demands. Sue retaliates with, “You never listen to me, so why should I listen to you?”
This problem could have been resolved by practicing assertive communication. Assertiveness is often mistaken for aggression. Aggressive people steam-roll over others’ rights in order to protect their own desires. On the other hand, self-effacing, passive people allow others to walk all over them. Neither communicates their true message, and they alienate others by their behavior.
The balance can be found in assertiveness: expressing one’s feelings, thoughts and preferences while taking into account the rights and feelings of others.
Assertiveness
To be assertive means to:
- Respect the rights and feelings of others.
- Use “I” messages. Use the pronoun “I” rather than “you” to express feelings. Describe your own feelings, state the problem and suggest a change.
- Be clear and direct in requests. Never make assumptions about what others are thinking. Remember, we cannot read the minds of even those closest to us.
- Be brief—lecturing demeans, alienates and causes defensiveness.
- Say “yes” when you mean yes and “no” when you mean no. Take time to think through a request before you respond.
- Learn to problem-solve and negotiate if necessary.
- Offer praise and accept it from others.
The same scenario using assertive communication may have sounded like this:
Dad: Sue, I get upset when I come home and find that your assigned chores have not been done. It really makes me feel ignored.
Sue: I didn’t know that it made you feel that way when I don’t get my work done. But this is the only time that I have to practice the piano when I know that it won’t bother you.
Dad: It really doesn’t take very long to do your chores, and you would still have time to practice before I get home.
Sue: No, I can’t get it done before you get home. You get home an hour after I do and it takes me 30 minutes to get a snack and do my chores. I have to practice for 45 minutes, so if I take time to do all that, I won’t be done practicing when you get home.
Dad: Well, you really don’t have to be through practicing when I get home.
Sue: But I don’t like it when you yell at me to keep it down!
Dad: I shouldn’t yell. I’m sorry. Let’s think of some ways that we can solve the problem. Perhaps you could play more quietly.
Sue: But it’s no fun to play quietly.
Dad: You could practice your loud things first, and then play something softer when your mother and I get home.
Sue: Oh, I guess I could. There is a pretty song that I have been working on . . .
Several things are accomplished through this conversation. Mother gets help around the house. Father exercises discipline and models problem-solving skills. Sue feels that Dad really listened to her viewpoint, and she realizes that her chores make a valued contribution to the family.
It is important to avoid seeing assertiveness as a means of getting your own way.
While assertiveness is a very effective communication tool, you will not resolve every conflict with others despite your best efforts. Like all skills, assertiveness must be practiced to be learned well.
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Sanders, Randolph K. and Newton, Maloney H. (1985). Speak up! Chritain assertivenes. Philadelphia: The Westminster Press.
Copyright 1991, El Rophe Center Inc.
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