Boundaries are:
- A line drawn to set a limit on how far another person can go with us or how far we will go with another person.
Without boundaries, we become enmeshed in other people’s lives. We don’t know where we “end” and other people “begin.” We can take on other people’s feelings, responsibilities and problems.
Our boundaries determine how we fit or bond with others.
If we have:
- Weak boundaries – we get lost in other people’s territory.
- Holes or gaps in our borders – we’re vulnerable to invasion.
- Borders too thick & rigid – people can’t get close to us.
Without boundaries, relationships will cause us to fear, because we are vulnerable to losing all that we have, including ourselves.
With too many boundaries, we won’t have any relationships. We won’t dare get too close because it will be a long time before we see ourselves again. People may run from us.
The goal is to develop healthy boundaries, not too pliable and not too rigid, and to patch any chinks in our boundaries.
When we begin to develop healthy boundaries:
- We develop an appropriate sense of roles among family members, others and ourselves;
- We learn to respect ourselves and others;
- We don’t use or abuse others or allow them to use or abuse us;
- We stop abusing ourselves;
- We don’t control others or let them control us;
- We stop taking responsibility for other people and stop letting them take responsibility for us;
- We take responsibility for ourselves;
- If we’re rigid, we loosen up a bit;
- We develop a clear sense of our self and our rights;
- We learn to have a complete self;
- We learn to respect others people’s territory as well as our own;
- We learn to listen to and trust ourselves; and
- We learn to ask ourselves what hurts, what feels good, what is ours and what isn’t, and what are we willing to lose?
Setting Boundaries
First I have to recognize appropriate and inappropriate treatment. I must learn to listen to my body. What is it saying?
◊ Do I feel angry?
◊ Do I feel guilty?
◊ Do I feel shameful?
◊ Is someone making me feel crazy?
◊ Is the situation hurtful or painful?
◊ Am I being abused physically or emotionally?
◊ Am I being treated with disrespect?
◊ Do I feel used or am I being manipulated?
◊ Do I complain a lot or whine a lot?
◊ Do I feel victimized by someone?
◊ Do I feel threatened or suffocated?
Setting boundaries is intertwined with growing in self esteem, dealing with feelings, breaking the rules, and developing spiritually. It’s connected to detachment.
Shame is connected to boundaries. We may feel shame when we allow someone to trespass our boundaries and shame may block us from trying to set boundaries we need to set. The more we grow in recovery, the more we have a sense of self confidence and have more of a sense of “self.” We gain a clearer idea of what’s appropriate and what isn’t.
I will be able to set boundaries when:
- I learn that taking care of myself is important;
- I believe what I deserve and don’t deserve;
- I believe what I want, need, like and dislike is important;
- I believe I have personal rights, especially the right to take care of myself and to be myself; and
- I learn to value, trust and listen to myself.
Boundaries give us a healthy sense of who we are, and bring us security in that knowledge, so that we can have relationships with others without fear of losing ourselves, smothering them, trespassing, or being invaded.
Tips for setting boundaries
ο Do it clearly—preferably without anger and in as few words as possible.
ο Avoid justifying, rationalizing or apologizing.
ο If needed, offer a brief explanation.
ο Tell what hurts.
ο You cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person’s feelings.
ο Don’t allow guilt or shame to keep you from setting a boundary.
ο Be ready to enforce a boundary once it’s set.
ο Follow through. What we say must be what we do.
ο Be prepared for people to get angry when you set a boundary.
Copyright 1992, Sidney W. Langston
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