Sue and Dick are a typical married couple. They both work,  put in long hours,  and look forward to relaxing at home at the end of the day. That  relaxation does not take place, however, because they spend a lot of their time arguing over activities and situations that affect their daily lives. Such arguments invariably end with Sue in tears and Dick sulking in front of the TV.

Sue and Dick, like many other people, have never learned to constructively handle their anger. Anger arises from a variety of sources.  When our personal rights have been violated, anger results, or it may be a defense against something perceived to be a threat. It may occur when we are not getting something we need or want.

Anger in and of itself is not sinful or wrong. As a matter of fact, it is an emotion that provides protection for us if it is exercised in a constructive way.

Problems arise when we do not appropriately deal with our anger. Anger may be stuffed down inside because of the mistaken ideas that if you don't look, feel, or act angry, the anger doesn't exist. Such repressed anger can result in defensiveness, frustration, irritability, insomnia and depression.  Physiologically, it may put you at risk for stomach upsets, ulcers, high blood pressure, cardiovascular changes, migraine headaches and colitis. The emotional cost of  repressed anger is reduced sensitivity to all of your feelings.

People may also inappropriately deal with anger by displacing it. For example, you may be angry with your boss, but displace it upon your spouse or child by verbally haranguing or attacking them.

Anger expressed in destructive ways will: weaken self esteem, create feelings of powerlessness, expose lack of self control, mask feelings of hurt, inhibit effective communication, destroy relationships and increase feelings of isolation.

However, the results of anger do not have to be destructive. Anger has many constructive effects. Anger empowers you to stand up for yourself and stop putting up with the pain you've been caused. It helps you to communicate the intensity of your hurt so that you're free to say in appropriately forceful language, "I feel let down, betrayed, disappointed or pushed around." In addition, it aims for new understanding in the relationship so that your feelings are given weight.  By doing so it prepares the emotional ground for forgiveness and healing to occur in the relationship.

The first rule in managing anger constructively is to recognize and acknowledge the fact that you are angry.  The second rule is to decide whether or not you wish to express your anger. Choose your battles—not everything is worth a fight. The third rule is to develop healthy ways of responding to provocations other than by aggressive, angry outbursts or by becoming depressed. And the fourth rule is to express your anger in a direct and effective fashion.

Guidelines for Expressing Anger

• Communicate your anger clearly in both verbal and nonverbal messages.
• Express your anger in a way which brings emotional release to you and does not harm the other person in a physical, emotional or spiritual way.
• Try to understand the other person's intentions.
• Express your anger to the appropriate person and make it to the point. Discuss only one topic at a time.
• Recognize that by expressing your anger you are taking responsibility for your own feelings, opinions and behaviors.
• Remember, heightened anger makes you more agitated and impulsive, which can escalate the conflict and cause more difficulty and pain.
• Do not try to prove you are right or morally superior.  Rather, try to solve the problem.
• Try to control and contain your anger because it will make you far more effective in managing the situation.
• Be sensitive to the impact your anger will have on the other person. After expressing your anger, give the other person a chance to respond and clarify his feelings.
• Communicate your anger clearly in both verbal and nonverbal messages.
• Express positive feelings as well as your anger. Besides being angry you may have genuine respect and some positive emotions for the other person.
• Analyze, understand and reflect on your anger. Congratulate yourself when you have been successful and don't focus on the distasteful behaviors of other people.

Ignore your anger and it will corrode your life from within. Express it inappropriately and you will cause yourself and others grief. But if you work to manage your anger constructively, this powerful emotion can indeed be a positive force in your life.

Acknowledgments:

Auagsburger, David. (1973). Caring enough to confront. Glendale, CA: Regal Books.

Carlson, Dwight L. (1981). Overcoming hurts and anger. Eugene, Or: Harvest House Publisher.

Collins, Gary. (1980). Christian counseling, A comprehensive guide. Waco, Texas: Word Publishers.

Rush, Myron D. (1983). Richer relationships - How to be a conflict-solver and friend-winner. Wheaton, IL: Victor Books.

Copyright 1992, El Rophe Center, Inc.